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The moment when you realize the things happening in your day to day life negatively affect your child.


feeling lower than low right now -
and have no idea what to do about it.





Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I'm having a really bad "foodie" moment right now.
I want to eat...  Junk. I'm salivating at the thought of it! I want a fish sandwich so so bad. I want tacos so so bad. Fuck fuck fuck. It's so hard for me to say no to myself. It has to start somewhere though. Eating like that  then going to the gym makes my gym workout...  Worthless. I desperately want to be thinner, to be healthy again. But I have such an issue with food.


Wanna know the kicker? When I stop and think -  my stomach is not hungry. I'm satisfied. I've had cereal with a banana, and a granola.


This is a bad...  Place to be in.


Food is my addiction. Every bit of the 360 pounds on my tiny frame tell me this.


It has to stop.


Odd how every day is immersed in sameness.  The routine that seemingly never let's me out.  Wake up, get Jacob ready for school. Drive him there.  Come home.  Watch the dog poop.  Take  a nap. Wake up. Waste time. Get Jacob from school. Argue through his homework. Waste time, fix and eat dinner. Clean up dinner. Play cards or watch TV. Waste more time until some wee hour of the morning in which I can manage to fall asleep.  Repeat until Friday.  Sleep in on Saturday. Waste time. Maybe clean. Take a nap. Repeat.


I'm just so tired.


Once again, I've found myself at a place of odds.  My life has greatly changed from what it once was...  In a direction that I would have never predicted.


However exciting all those changes brought to my life, I still find myself...  Empty. Though I once was not happy, I felt normal.  Getting up every day, working some shit job, so/so relationship,  kids, a place of my own.


Now? I don't know.  I'm happy in some aspects....  Very very sad in others. I moved almost six months ago to Florida...  To start a new relationship with a man who adores me, and my son.  Treats Jacob with love, gives him time, energy, guidance. He loves me a great deal and always wants to see me happy and would give the moon if I asked.


What's the problem? Me, again. Just as I said over a year ago that I had lost myself. Ended my marriage and left.  Once again I find myself in that same mindset.  Lost.  Only this time it's so deep-rooted in myself I've been eating it away.  That only makes it worse. I've probably gained 30 or more pounds, letting food rule my life. I have a chance to be extremely happy here...  I just need to get *me *together.


What the Fuck is wrong with me?!


Find myself quite lost again.  Perhaps it's time to write once more.



I need to finish this fasting post while its all fresh in my head but the words are all swimming around


I'm finishing up day 3 of water fasting. Though, I have to say that I splurged and had alcohol, too. However.. other than rum or vodka on the rocks its been water. today my body is pretty weak. I've really put it through the mill. My first day of fasting I had a major workout, I've rested the next two days, but also trashed the whole time and been under a great deal of emotional strain. I've been adding in some caffeine pills to offset the low blood pressure I've been having. It helps, but the crash sucks.


ill try to post more each day as things change and my body cleanses.


I've had a few bouts of hunger tonight... because Mary and I had a mind meeting session. But I pulled through them ok.


I can feel changes taking place in my body already. they are great changes and I can't wait to experience more.


18 days to go.



Aug. 3rd, 2012

I'm on the verge of making the first big move of my life! I'm so incredibly excited to start fresh.

600 miles. It'll be a journey.
Go to hell. That's what I have to say to you today. Fuck off, go away. Yep, that covers it.
Witness photography.


Look.learn.grow. I know I just did.

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